So I know it must sound a little dramatic...almost like something from a cheap grocery store tabloid... "BLOGGING SAVED MY LIFE!!" I can just see it now plastered across the front page of The National Inquirer.
But seriously, I feel like that in a way it has genuinely helped me away from something that held me captive for almost 2 months. First off I will say that this is a bit more serious than my normal posts, and parts of it will not be as cheery as my usual writing, only because I wish to share some personal details of the problem I was experiencing before, but I assure you, the ultimate outcome of this post is to talk about how uplifted and empowered I now am....so please don't be put off by my sudden seriousness.
I guess I'll just start off by discussing my problem outright. About 2 months into my pregnancy I found myself extremely exhausted and somewhat ill. It seemed to me that everyday tasks were suddenly insurmountable. I had little energy and even less desire to do the things that I normally enjoyed...these include cleaning, cooking, scrapbooking, and outdoor activities to name a few. I decided that I would just do what I could, and let the rest go, since every book I read told me that this would all pass in six weeks or so, and then I'd be back to doing all things I loved and feeling even more fabulous than usual because by then I would have my "pregnant glow".
I held out hope. The days drug by and most of them disappeared in naps I would take in complete exhaustion, only to wake up and find that I felt just as terrible as when I went to sleep. I felt guilty for sleeping all the time, but it was all I could do some days. I felt like an awful wife for neglecting housework and cooking. My husband was noticeably frustrated but tried to stay caring and supportive (I could tell that even he doubted slightly the seriousness of my health). I kept telling myself just a bit longer, and pushing myself to survive this "temporary ordeal".
My patience and strength were only weakened when I would try and express how troubled this all was making me feel. Some friends and family members practically scoffed at me, acting like I was just over dramatizing the entire thing. This hurt my heart, and I felt more discouraged than ever.
But I knew what they were telling me wasn't true. What I was feeling was most certainly not all in my head. This was proved true to me and some of them when at around 7 weeks, I found myself in the ER with some vaginal bleeding and abdominal pain. The doctor checked me out, found that the baby and I were both ok, and sent me home on pelvic rest, saying that I should be careful not to over-work myself.
I of course took this advice and for the time being my friends and family kept their opinions to themselves. My husband also became much more receptive to me, seeing that I was indeed as ill as I had described to him day after day. Now all I had to do was rest, and get better, right?
At first, that's exactly what I did. For about a week things seemed great, when for whatever reason things took a turn for the worse. A horrible feeling of depression came over me (something I am only vaguely familiar with) and I was at a loss as to how to handle it. As my health and body grew stronger, so did the feelings of emptiness and lacking growing inside me. I was scared. I didn't feel like bathing or dressing up (my most favorite things) I didn't feel like doing anything but sleeping. This was not like me at all.
Again my husband grew concerned, and because my emotions were out of control, our discussions of what I was feeling turned into me sobbing into his chest for hours in the middle of the night. He felt helpless, and tried to accommodate me as best he could. He did amazing considering the strain I put on him. But he was persistant, bringing me my favorite things to eat, and little surprises. Gradually he encouraged me to get out of the bed and try and go about the house again.
That is when is found blogging. Not that I didn't know about it before, but I decided that I needed one for myself. Not just some silly thing on myspace, but an actual full fledged blog. So I made this one you are reading right now...and to be honest not even sure if I would be faithful enough to write in it regularly (I had neglected things like it in the past and was uncertain). But I made it anyway and dropped my little sort of half put together myspace blog.
I already knew about menu plan monday, which a friend showed me, and I used
org junkie as an inspiration to try and get going with my own little blog. I think in the back of my mind, her blog gave me a tiny spark to dream that perhaps one day my blog would be just a popular, revered, and useful.
So I made a menu plan monday post, and then jumped around to others blogs who had done the same. That is when I came across
Annie's blogs. Not only was she a mother of four, but a mother to special needs child. Her daughter had been in a near drowning accident, and required tons of medical and personal attention everyday. Despite all these things, Annie was still happily posting menus, recipes, advice, and comments on peoples blogs everyday. I thought my god, Annie's situation must 100 times harder on her heart than anything I'm going through....and look at her! I was blown away.
She probably will be shocked to read all this, because while she is probably my closest blogging friend up to this point, and I have shared my wishes and sentiments for her family, I have never expressed it to her in this manner. Annie I hope you aren't embarrassed by this. :-/
After Annie I found tons of other moms and moms-to-be with similar situations and experiences. Everyday, I was encouraged to get out of bed and online so I could read and be touched by other women's lives. And I have been completely. I grew more motivated to write blogs of my own and take challenges that fellow bloggers had set up to help improve or add value to everyday life.
Then one day I got up and started cleaning and going about my regular routine without even realizing it at first. My husband was kind of shocked. He said "What are you doing?" "Cleaning" I said. He looked as happy as I felt.
Needless to say it has only gotten better since then. Because of all the other moms out there who are at home raising multiple children, going through struggles, and doing it all with some amazing convictions... I have been pulled away from a depression that almost broke me permanently. I say that with utmost seriousness and sincerity.
I guess the most reassuring thing that I learned from all these women is that you are no less of person when you stay at home to care for your family. Several people I had spoken to, when I first felt my depression said I was just acting that way so I could stay at home and be lazy forever.
What I found is that a SAHM is ANYTHING but lazy. Especially the amazing women I have met in my blogging adventures. They work as hard, or harder than anyone with an outside job and still get dinner on the table, usually with a great recipe and smile.
I will be eternally grateful for discovering the world of blogging, especially the blogs of org junkie and annie, who showed me how powerful of a woman I could really be. This literally pulled me back from the edge, and I am so glad it did!
***Originally Posted April 10th 2007**
The feelings I expressed in this post written over two years ago are even stronger and more powerful now. Blogging is so amazing and has done (and continues to do) so much for me!
I am 100% grateful for it's presence in my life.
